PREDESTINATION OR PERMUTATION? 1984

The Contents: previously published statements of KNOWING and SUBSEQUENT DEDUCTIONS plus excerpts taken from “A Personal Beginning Of The Universe”, first written around the year 2000 but not put up for publication at the time for reasons of privacy:

GOOD GOD! I AM FOR THIS HEART AND SOUL: PARTS I, II & III REVISITED

From a clarifying mail sent to a friend

“During a period when I worked upon my inner self and organized my outside dealings accordingly, I lived through a progress/process without fully understanding where it was taking me. As things developed I realized that both my inner and outer boundaries were changing. I found myself to be ‘a better person’. There was some self-sacrifice in the sense of relinquishing strongly my habitual behaviours but this got easier and easier to do. Everything in my life got easier and people more accommodating, even as if externally influenced to fit in with my inclinations. Then all boundaries fell away. I was not hitting any walls. My life was bliss and there was no sign of anything unsupportive to me. None of this was to last forever. In fact I requested that ‘powers’ that had arrived inside me unexpectedly be taken away because I did not have the necessary wisdom. I am still not sure if that was a mistake or not. Slowly my situation reversed. Not like a car changing gear – all that I have described happened very smoothly over years. But the path ‘down’ was very painful in its way. Very painful. Yet I felt protected, thanks God. My love for God is very deep and has been for over thirty years. My wish is to let people know this story, that has many levels, not so that they may copy me – we are all unique and your path may be different to mine – but to know that it is possible once we dissociate from our group and make individual progress.”

My friend then described his own somewhat similar landmark experience, perhaps necessarily of a briefer duration than my own. It had changed his life from material to spiritual, he said. 

Part II

I have no Faith in Pfizer! Despite their corporate fame, no concrete evidence has entered my own life to prove they even exist, just critical hearsay and propagandist marketing. Likewise, I do not say I believe in God: rather I KNOW there is One God that is All, being the Everything and the Nothing.

I hope to explain more clearly as we go on. The following was first written by me around 2000:

I am a product of my generation in that I am open-minded but, equally, I am not inclined by nature towards ‘belief’. The opposite of belief is not doubt but disbelief so if we can approach any ‘resolve to benevolence’ without any doubt at all then it will ever come true, miraculously! Unfortunately, or fortunately, this apparently spiritual feat would usually require extensive inner preparation and repetitive training, more or less. It is not recommended prior to making some good personal advancements (and rarely essayed subsequently, certainly never as an ‘ambition’ or ‘test’ or ‘sport’).

My life is basically simple but not so easy. Constant assault by life’s problems is, I suppose, the common human condition. Include me in on that, in a big way. Mine come up and stare me in the eye ferociously – then lope away. Metaphorically, I have often strayed over the edge but a strong hand has always stretched out to catch the poor diminished me as I fell, thanks God. I am not a good man. But I might have been. In fact, I got there once, temporarily, through a kind of effortless, ambitionless self-precession. I’m now going backward on the loop yet I must return sometime. My free-will is in how I conduct this journey. My baggage is basically light but easily added to by stubbornness or stupidities. What happened decades ago –- the time-space transcendental that I have nevertheless named “1984” –- was, is and ever will be wondrous to me. And effective.

Truth lifted unclasped chains so high

Above to make the freed slave cry

Aloud for love of an infinite sky

– Freedom!

Part III:

For most of us the reality we perceive today primarily defines what is normal. I suppose that I should not turn and squint at my distant past through the eyes of that boy back then – life certainly looks a lot different to me now – but here goes:

As a child I always spent hours playing alone and reading alone and yet I have never felt alone. Of course I will miss someone loved who should be in my life, but isn’t, and yet “feeling lonely” would take a stretch of imagination for me at least as testing as, say, to take-in somebody’s belief in an “imaginary friend”.

I disliked my school in Westminster well enough, except for the Pilgrim’s Progress stories in the church nave with a full-size Knight-in-Armour as a prop. Also, our vicar – in line for a bishopric and given to leading torchlight processions through the streets – was one of the few adults who ever took to me: teachers were either inexplicably spiteful or else indifferent towards me. (Later the same was to happen in the business world where big bosses warmed to me fast, middle managements not so fast.)

Yet I could not understand the imperative “Love God!” and I still can’t. Love does not come to order. *****+*****

I suspected that there was a Deity but my independent nature stopped me from following by bland assumptiveness alone. I simply put the matter to one side and took up a non-committed ‘relative’ position, later to feel more persuaded by my practical observations of real experiences. Yet I was not ready to be given over 100% to the theory of the existence of God. There could be another explanation – yet to be realized – for my strengthening apprehension, or so I strongly supposed.

I went through my teens in a fabulous relationship with a girl who seemed like a truly honest and faithful person yet who I foolishly alienated after 7 feelingful years. I needed that level of goodness back in my life again but I failed to find it in my next partner and so I decided that I would grow it within myself and this process drove my side of that unbalanced relationship for the next dozen years. After an overdue separation I continued this self-progress living alone. Like a hermit my tools included quiet meditation and self-determination.

Earlier in my unhappy 20’s I had often recalled being a very joy-filled teenager with an extremely positive outlook (opposite to many?) yet now my life surrounded me with negative ways of foreseeing the future, including employment in negativity-dwelling ‘non-trading risk management’, and a susceptibility to believing the negative wisdoms of society to be the superior wisdoms. I vowed to return to that positivity which had worked so well for me before I grew up. I couldn’t do it. The negativity had become too entrenched.

Then I had a thought; cancel-out this negativity with an equally powerful ‘contra-negative’.

I coined a thought-expression “Thanks God the terrible thing I think can’t happen” and recited it mentally every time I thought negatively about anything at all. It worked.

Unreasonably and illogically this profoundly improved some aspects of my outer life and gave me a feeling of inner control over impending events.

To my mind, still clinging to my modernistic ’60’s culture, it was the positive thought “the terrible thing I think can’t happen” that was somehow doing this whilst the preface “Thanks God” was just an emphatic adjunct or some such subordinate. Then it dawned on me where all this happy fortune was coming from: thank you God!

During my later inward journey I found few guides so I turned to whatever might help a little. Both the ‘intuited’ and the ‘historic’ Jesus became quite deeply influential over me and quite a few of His phrases literally rang true to me. Is He worthy of worship? To me, for many years, he was a personal hero. He was at a level of spiritual development that was ‘laid up in heaven’, so to speak. As I understood Him more and more I marvelled at His pure prowess as a ‘spiritual athlete’ and wished to be able to draw alongside Him, as we all should but doubtfully ever could. (So, have no doubt.)

With the quest for the ‘true me’ becoming an ongoing work-in-progress, a commensurate component of inner change was the stripping away of all acquired knowledge that had glued itself to me. I was always a hateful pupil, refusing to credit my teachers with knowing as opposed to parroting whatever subject they had garnered book and lecture knowledge of – unless they could convince me of it, which they never could.

At home I threw my weight around on issues, perhaps refusing any other party the authority to be more right than I was. I was overly opinionated, I guess, but as an outgoing student I enjoyed socializing at every possible opportunity and yet I still retained a freakish ability to limbo through to a successful passmark in the examination room. This was fortunate as some part of me strongly resisted serious study. Perspicacity might be the right word for it. I somehow understood quite expertly the subjects I had not yet studied (but lost confidence in this intuited knowing, by degrees, as I acquired other people’s knowledge of them). This is my explanation as to how I was easily able to reject every thing I had ever been taught: I never actually believed much of anything that either my family – a conspiratorial wheel of jealousy with my tired-out aging parents theoretically at the hub – or my schools had ever taught me. (Except for a young science teacher who did know what he was saying and imbued me with two facts: 1, there is no such thing as centrifugal force it is simply a lack of centripedal force, and 2, there is no such thing as spun laziness, it is simply critical inertia.)

Self-imposed self-improvement is self-illuminating! There is both a morally spirited and a crash-gearbox aspect to it. Simply by forcing yourself to do well you change up to being a better doer. By adopting a stronger grip over some unjustified reluctance to give charitably, for example, I soon become a naturally charitable giver. I was not a naturally good person and so I used this mechanical methodology and over time became that better person I had wanted in my life, somewhat to my astonishment.

This helped ease-in my new-found ‘meditation to a zero mind-state’, a subjective experience in the sense that only death could bring about a truly zero’d mind (we must not be sure about that even) but it can be done, rendering external noise as ineffectual as the sound of traffic outside a closed window. It is not so easy and yet suffers from any overtly willful effort, like maintaining one’s balance. It may well require repeated attempts, tenacious constancy and a method to instantly incise and zero the mind-brain during its surprise ‘inner outbreaks’ of unwanted chatter, unexpected picturing and unheralded euphony.

Be STILL and KNOW …

*****+***** Well, it came over me having once ‘met God’ so to speak (actually, English spiritual vocabulary fails me here) and at a depth I can never shake off nor want nor ever need to. I love you dearest darling God.

NIGELRAYMONDOFFORD (C) 2022

GOING WITHIN

Herein is my account, from my personal experience, of some steps to take.
(Written a while ago and rather literary: in reality its far more cheerful and joyful)

I have no sure way of knowing if this will be exactly true or best for you. ‘’Every person the same” is a sound supposition as far as strict societal control goes and may make a clear platform for general explanations but, at heart, we are each unique.

Unfortunately, all congregational collegial or clubhouse discussions tend to lead to a clearing away of the untidy undergrowth of absolute truths and the planting of neat avenues of flowering assumption bushes in faux parallel with fruiting presumption trees.

Tertullian blamefully observed that the Gnostic Gospellers “had commerce with philosophers”.  I urge you to progress yourself, if you will, to a point beyond intellect and philosophy, beyond the numeric and algebraic sciences, beyond arguments satisfied by champions, beyond established guesswork beliefs, beyond socialized normality, beyond any blinding binding begrudgery, beyond all doubt.

Over a few weeks my ‘self’ was exploring its way inward while adhering to the feeling of immaterial awareness.

I was vague yet purposeful though not ambitious. Without a map or any expectations, I simply edged my way through a kind of deep dark tunnel with bifurcations that I needed to navigate by Intuition alone. (For a long time I have thought that I got lucky here).

The following requirements may not be easy at first yet should come effortlessly when the present phase of your life is at its ineffably refined best for expansion into Enlightenment:

• A phase of semi-detachment from emotional bonds that may contort you plus a sustained detachment from close physical relationships that might otherwise torque some apparently calm inner dynamic. (More on this another time) A place to be alone at your leisure without a large volume of sensory distractions. A feeling of least interference by others, an inner haven perhaps with some apprehension of ‘celestial’ support.
• An ability to appreciate stillness and meditate up to the Empty Mind state. (A glorious ‘keeping still, deeply meaningfully’ which for me slid sadly into a memory as it became temporarily thwarted by loud tinnitus and constant pain (both now eased as Nothing but Nothing can ever stay the same) being the self-observable phenomena of my subsequent spiritual decline. (Whatever goes up will come down again.) However, I eliminated obstacles before and hope to do so again when righteous willpower prevails.
• A totally hearted separation from possessing any attitudes whatsoever about money, power, sex or any other ambitious possessivity. These are the super-superfluous trio that at first can seem so necessary to our chemically and socially duped brains and bodies. It is this aspect of Modernity that – fuelled by the economics of greedy consumption and excessive brand ownership – has daily gripped America, Europe, Japan and littoral China by taking these needs to be axiomatic rather than the stress-induced result of an exaggerated primacy of wants and aspirations.

(Advertising, Behavioural Science, PR & Propagandism now are present at the root of all our evils.)

God will provide all you need, perhaps more. (Some advanced among us may shun to ‘help themselves’ simply for fear of willfully decoupling from God who ever gives with universal wisdom and warrants the best of long-term outcomes to those who rely on God alone, no matter what.)

Simply remove all the hooks that cling to you, or by which you may still be clinging, then wait a while to consider events and your now effortless survival of them, to ask yourself only

“Wh? is responsible for all of existence?”

The surroundingly sensible question, “Wh? was responsible for the beginning of the Universe?” will so become ‘sembled’ at its true level of importance whereby a first-class workable answer can simply obtain.

For me, I say only that it is God that charges me and that same Universal Source grounds the godhead inside me as I serve only one loving master. One is all and supremely so. One Universe. One World. One God. Even though I have no verbal communication with the sole Divine Spirit, I know Him/Her/It wherever and whenever – excepting that I should slip into some imaginary world brought into existence and perpetuated by a weave of lies, which we should avoid intrepidly (yet to be long-suffering is still a rewardable action in this world of Earthly Karma).

Although I ever suspected there was a God, it took time for me to accept fully and recognize not only the spiritual but also the physical body of His natural world and its spirit actions constantly around me while at the deepest level of my being I rejected instruction, threats or blandishments from any other – and always have done. Ego dominance did not diminish in me 100% but I was to get there eventually, thank you God.

We are perhaps the plural mirrors to God’s existence, occupying individual channels that may yet be open to a blessed reconstruction from WITHIN: as ever,  the visible yet invisible, parallel yet sequential, here now yet there then, Everything and yet Nothing, may exist all in the same moment inside your Godfilled-Simian, yet perfectly and without duality or separation.

When you find your old self transformed, your new Self will own the outward empowerment that you have earned for the duration though your new-fledged power might well repulse you. This is how it should be…the truly weak seek endless power to use against others: the truly strong prefer to put aside their power and assume gentler ways: the truly weak have sacrificed their souls for fear of their material world: the truly strong KNOW that Empathic Truth is the Divine Reality.

Ultimately all humanity is on different sections of the same path. Go within and know we are One, equals in Spirit. Curb the hateful who are slaves to their created Ego whilst remembering that even the worst human beings are, in a sense, informative to us all and carry bounties upon their heads, Spirit’s rewards for forgiveness towards a difficult other.

(See also How Will Death Taste?)

What is the Taming Power of the Small?

The essential concentrated cloud cover that must gather before the refreshing restorative rain comes, the downpour that our lives depend upon: a guarantee of our Earthly progress.

The I Ching or Chinese Book of Changes says,

“If you are sincere, blood vanishes and fear gives way. No blame.”

We are not all at the same point as our neighbour on the recurring path to God and back. But we will be, sometime. The outward path raises-up sincerity: the return path declines it.

To be free of blame is the highest order of Good. There is a higher order beyond the paradigm of Good and Bad yet the way to that is wholly by the Good, never the Bad, whichever the direction you are presently faced in. This is not a moral statement: that’s just how it is in my experience. Those who seek to be away from the material world must do so. To stay would mean death. Yet there is a stage at which we still wish to serve humanity. Then we will guide worldly “leaders” best we can to avoid conflict – not by animalistic behavioural psychologies based on dual standards/an inverted topography but purely by unalloyed Truth a.k.a Love a.k.a. Reality-sans-Illusion a.k.a. God or Universe or whatever else you want to call the mysteriously self-governing No-Thing that supports All-Things, the One.

What is the Material World?

I think it is everything that is not of the Void, including stuff beyond the Veil.

What is the Veil?

We are not only served by our sensory receptors but also programmed by them – not just to heat or cold but also to the ‘touch’ of ice or the ‘touch’ of fire. We feel these along a scale of emergency so as to accommodate the shortcoming of our nervous system, namely the neuro-bottleneck at the base of the spinal cable to the brain. Fire gets priority.  Hence an ointment that relieves pain works by replacing other pains with a reduced version of the touch of fire. Of course there is no way to measure pain but it is likely that we all feel the different types of pain the same way.

I suspect that our relentless denial of anything that is not cause-and-effect works in a similar yet stronger way. The mind has been rendered incapable of registering the effect which has no cause.

Behind the veil lurk demons and phantasms, future forebodings, and all those things we do not know outside of our unsupressed dreams. They are all aspects of this world that an odd few can gain apprehension of yet which are denied to those whose mind has been re-educated and prioritized toward the materialism necessary to daily community.

What is the Void?

“Were you privy to all Control’s secrets, George?”

“I don’t know, that’s the point about secrets.”

From BBCTV’s 1979 production of ‘Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy’ 

Outside of materialism the dividers have fallen and a Nothing is reachable, if the time has come for you, wherein all is stored like immaterial images of seeds. You may exist in or perhaps close to the void for a while, to emerge feeling blessed and refreshed. In the Void is all of everything there is to know yet unapproachable in particulars.

Was “meeting God” the same as entering the Void?

No. I did not seek it. It was unexpected and took me to a place not of our dimensions whereas the ‘void of thought’ experiences are without any dimension at all.

It was visual and memorable but by the known senses indescribable. The experience was direct. I felt God search through me to learn deeply about me. During this I realized I was much bigger than I would normally suppose, as if this were an ethereal body much much bigger than my physical body and of a different shape. Yet I could not see it, a bit like being a cell of my own body that has somehow realized how big that shielding body is.

Did God speak to you? There was no voice, no words nor symbols.

Did God wave his hand? There were no features at all. I was in.

Did God give you a book? No book, no audiotape, no website address, no computer program. How could there be with no words and no hands?

Did God flood you with love and light?

No. The light overall remained constant and easy. So did the emotive level which was almost the same on both sides. (Conjoined yet separate, I would say a union but really there are no words to describe it. I thought about that at the time. I wanted to bring back a description but could find none that fits accurately.)

What was your takeaway?

God is. God has no maleficence. God is intelligent above any human concept of intelligence. God allowed me to explore Him (my habitual use of ‘Him’ only, no meaning) but I registered nothing and came back knowing that He is unknowable. However, by way of contradiction I know Him much better by knowing that He is unknowable beyond all doubt. God is not a human being but gave off a sense of curiosity that seemed human and was certainly humane.

If you are human (and my imaginative insight tells me that what I call ‘Narcissistic Personality Core Replacement Disorder’ is a dead human walking) then you are linked to God directly and have no need of materialistic property-portfolio’d religions. Simply start by going within and seeking your true self from out the debris occasioned by life’s experiences.

NigelRaymondOfford © 2021

 

The following are all excerpts taken from “A Personal Beginning Of The Universe” (comprising alternate pages of Science History/My History) first written around the year 2000:

This will be the most difficult thing I have ever written. I was born into English Christianity. I was ridiculously independent of family, felt imprisoned by education and held nothing for Country but a sense of foreboding nor for my Church in Westminster save a sense of impressive wealth and affecting odor. At age 14, living outside London, I started a long-term, growing-up/grown-up, sexually-fulfilling relationship. For the next 22 years I had but two permanent sexual partners in series with no gaps and no stand-ins. Then I changed direction. By 1984 I was calm, alone and deeply involved in a solo inward journey. That journey led to experiences I feel no need to explain. Neither do I have the words. In fact, I discovered that words are misleading. They don’t cover some things and can’t reveal others. They are private as well as public. I wished never to publish any account. Further, I felt no connection with my personal history anymore. At first I tried to establish a communication style that would reflect my new, stripped-down personality. I gave up the struggle and fell back on communicating as I ever had before the sloughing off of those false aspects of myself that had once grown very ‘real’ simply by role stabilization. Although 1984 had freed me from fear it had replaced this with one fearful principle: a felt need to avoid the attentions of ‘Rex Mundi’, the personally-impotent king of this World of Lies, to whom most of us have bowed, the one that draws on the individually undreamt of enormity of human resources to perpetrate destructions like tyranny, slavery, war. This is overridden totally by my love for something that is always with me, that I will call God, and that is of the greatest importance in my life. Today I am not at the spiritually advanced level I was then. I am in retreat. But this principle and even more so this love are still the greatest influences upon my every thought and move. I am now breaching my sole original principle (and freely sourcing other people’s clever words to achieve clarity of expression) so help me darling God.

In fact I was later confronted by something I called the Devil – yet before that I did not believe in such a thing – and was able to dismiss it by lacking all doubt that this was not very easily done. Whether this Devil is King of the World or not, I do not know. Did that Devil return? Yes, face-to-face, in the sense of acting from inside a demonically possessed person who has ever tried to do me much harm. They have never emerged from inside that persuasive  person, for fear of further defeat I guess. (Comment added 2023)

I deduce (but I cannot yet say that I KNOW) that we are part-Simian and part-Godhead. This poor monkey is perpetually fazed by the Godhead within us. As an ape-like animal it needs to be educated/As Godhead it already knows everything. It needs love/It is Love. It needs Society/It needs only Self. It feels doomed/It feels undying. It is assailed by trouble in mind/It can rise above its troubled mind and take its ease. It is easily induced or duped into worldly foolery/It is indubitably self-realizing with ramrod-straight authenticity. It is deliberate and purposive/It need only be.

If this human creature is a divine-ape, a hybrid experiment even, then what about hybrid-vigour? Well, I just don’t know.

Clearly the human characteristics lifted from baboons (political) chimpanzees (smart strategic planners surviving the wild, males can be warring, females can be child-snatching, gangs may murderously lie in wait and all are generally disturbed by more intelligence than they can handle) and apes (big on every kind of bluff) may be deduced as being amplified, overdriven or distorted by the presence of Spirit in all human beings – on all sides of our natures.

Other than those manipulators who have opted for Narcissistic Personality Disorder’s Core Replacement and who experience neither empathy nor true humanity? (Comment added in 2023)

It is not given to us to know the nature of God yet to know God by encounter, semi-permanently or even permanently, is truly possible. He may even be caught in our emotional net by His great empathy (as it seems to me) for us and all babes and young ones.

Having made a careful clear distinction between those feelings and the ways we share with monkey tribes (familial and group pressures, schooling, grooming, clubishness, group impact on identity etc.) and those we do not, I was able to see straight through Religion. It is undoubtedly based on monkey fears and their societal inflammations (e.g. deep-rooted male emotional fear of tying up to a feckless female bearer leading to customary reinforcement of virginity/modesty/female fidelity by bringing these fine standards up to cult status) and the widespread fear of death, the flames of which it both fans and feeds upon.

I have no such fear. I deduce that part of us may in some cases live in a phase of respite, possibly much better than in this active existence now. Even if I am wrong I feel no fear of the plural Western theories of singular death nor the singular Eastern theory of plural deaths.

About religion:

Why will we not cease this reprocessing of other people’s hand-me-down thoughts and experiences? It is as if our inherent and potentially unlimited spiritual intelligence was up to no more than buying-in to a mass-marketed Ivy League Laundry with a speciously enhanced shawl-to-shroud stain removal service.

Actually, long before Paul’s attempts to include foreigners with Judaism by ingratiating acceptable modifications of it, the Mediterranean gods of antiquity had, by contrast, originated as family gods of near-mortal form from whom each population felt descended, each such group then forming a city made up of like-cultured families. In other words, distinctive cults that a city-immigrant seeking permanent residence would be expected to belong to/join. All gods were respected no doubt but only one’s own god, unquestionably superior to all others, must be obeyed. (Comment added 2023)

Although meditative spirituality does require some prerequisites including moral strength, ‘forgiveness faith’ needs no such pre-existing will. It invites you to own-up, break-down and ask for forgiveness in a safe and supportive sense of fellowship. Without doubt dusky Judaism/palefaced Euro-Jewishness, global Christianity and overreaching Islam have been – in Eurasia, the Middle East and the Americas – amongst the leading religions of choice, including among persecuted prisoners of circumstance.

Belief is in itself quite extraordinary in that it makes people stronger, happier and more able to cope with terrible adversities. Religious fundamentalism is the foremost social bonding agency of all, save temporary eruptions of extreme patriotism.

Spiritual development, untainted by worldly religious purpose, effectively removes adversarial encounters and is bound only to one’s own higher Self & God.

A strong discouragement, even a taboo, is being permanently maintained regarding any Western believer going directly to the Source, a.k.a. God, to find out the Truth of the Universal Reality without agents of the author to some blessed religiosity in attendance – or else some surreal sanctity issuing from the invisible college of materialism, colluders in conformity.

Don’t be fooled, a ‘true believer’ is much more constrained in how high he or she may fly, or qualify, in Science if he she or whatever does not demonstrate at least a feigned obeisance to Darwinian Logic.

On the other hand, every currency is welcome in the churches and a noteworthy Scientist who contributes to a Christian congregation today needs no such dogmatic dissemblance, a mere show of compromise at the right moment will suffice.

“God does not play dice” may or may not be true but is downright assumptive as to the nature of God. So is the conjuring of God as a mathematician of rigor. (Just remember Kurt Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorem and that math automatically deletes God from both sides of any balanced equation.)

I know Him to be super intelligent and super wise ‘to the trillionth degree’, for want of a better expression. At least that’s how it is from where I experience God and there has been nothing truer in my world.

I am constantly aware of God in my life but cannot claim to know the nature of God by any worldly perception or even if God could be known.

High IQ-types are often misunderstood or even scorned by puffed-up people of adequate but lesser intelligence who simply cannot understand their reasons for doing things in such a relatively puzzling way. Our own limit on intelligence blinds us to any higher intelligence as much as if our sight were rendered blind to any part of a person figuring above our own head-height. A much loftier person would then appear to be a nonsensical figure making unintelligibly disjointed or half-signalled moves.

Likewise the outstanding Chess Master who appears to competing Masters or Chess commentators to be off-form yet will corner an opponent into a resigning position because they had not comprehended some convention-breaking moves.

Then there is the arch combination of the vaguely comical and unpredictably unnerving persona that our revered stage actors bring out cannily in characterizations whenever they can because audiences respond almost tangibly to these loveable-cum-awesome portrayals.

And yet many people will maintain a sort of mindful vision of compact divinity that is fully understood by them from within the scope of their own emotional and spiritual intelligences and their IQ range and will name that truncated notion God.

Does God know God? Of course most will answer a resounding ‘Yes!’ but there could be some ‘factors’ we cannot even begin to grasp, couldn’t there? Do you know yourself? To say “Know thyself and then all else reveals” is a Higher Truth.

God is great, we are small. Even so God gives us free-will. We are spiritually, mentally and potentially physically powerful. ‘Rex Mundi’ though is willful yet powerless. Nevertheless this metaphysical ‘King of the World’ bundles us up together for his purposes, each of us encroaching upon another’s individuality under that degrading influence like a gang of weak-brained and sometimes hysterical simians.

Every mind slips easily, effortlessly, between its fact and fiction compartments, all day long seeking or producing truly imaginative kinds of woven factions.

Linguistic muddles may be initiated by connoting intensionally or denoting extensionally or mining the truth of a statement directly from what is said yet upon those shades of terminology that better suit our purpose, projecting bifocal images upon someone else’s fallible memory (Chinese Whispers) asserting a definite description from out a bundle of distinctions and dislocating the function behind a particular definition during speculative or competitive speech, and so on.

To some player-type personalities, life’s a great game. Most people’s inner motives are less visible and affecting than their crimes, of course, and victims are often honestly distracted and slow to recognize a deceptive attack. The following account is oblivious to the rules of any game as also to Kant’s reine vernunft verstehen, or to propositional calculus or to neo-classical logic:

My story will include the months before, during and for some time after a timeless experience that, even so, I will identify by the year “1984”. (Though truthfully it had been ongoing all my life without my recognition.)

My personal history had been fading fast before this ‘1984’ experience as I rooted out the real me.

This new experience took place over perhaps twenty or so clock minutes but was actually a timeless event of extraordinary  dimensions.

Some time later there would follow my  terrible descent from that undeserved 1984 height (undeserved from the typical Church-inculcated sinner’s point of view).

The words high and low are unavoidable in my description. At the time there came the realization that there is no achievement ‘high’ or ‘low’, that all people are equally important or unimportant, being equal in spirit, and that we are all looped in an endless round; there and back and back to there and back again.

Though nowadays I rather suspect that the directions we call ‘up’ or ‘down’ do exist, mysteriously, whichever way we are faced and throughout the Real Universe. (Comment added 2023.)

The inception point on the path seems variable but we can say that at the lowest point of self-disgust that any person can descend to comes a turnaround and the same when we once meet with God at the other side of the loop (or out and back if you prefer straight line curves) and we are all in these revolving (or evolving, again if you prefer) reflex flows together.

Since ‘1984’ some truths I KNOW as pure truth ‘in my heart of hearts’ and other ‘truths’ are, as it were, placed on a shelf ready for revision by any further, purer truth that may come to meet me.

This is a major distinction. A-truths are somehow lodged within me: B-truths are deduced by me from how things appear once filtered by A-truths, i.e. my explanations to myself by my own inner lights. No moment of my life has seemed more real than ‘1984’ and the A-truths lodged within me are not open to negotiation, not even humorously.

Since my strongest development period started itself off, around 1983, I have been unable to read fiction (though this inability has faded a little, three decades on). My repulsion was to any form of untruth except from humorous motives. That is not to say that humour comes from goodness – some people can deceive and coerce from behind jokey, larky smoke screens – and yet if anything my sense of humour has enlarged. Solemnity always seems joyless, maybe godless. Perhaps it is not the pulpits but the pews which demand it.

The difference between good and bad is real enough for most (but not all) of us for most of the time and is intuitively known to us, requiring no further description in common speech. Yet it is not of any clear boundary. We stray constantly. A good person is, perhaps, one who wanders about the good side of the border more frequently than the bad and makes this their conscious effort, reinforced slightly haphazardly by cultural habituations.

Conforming to cultural or local definitions of good and bad puts us confidently into self-imposed and so self-justified habitual illusion, creating conflict between camps of differently deluded adherents. I have never been a ‘good person’ but have always tended toward being a kind one, repeatedly forgiving loved ones to the point of it being nearly too late to withdraw from them to avoid the bad karma that justly is their own. (“1984” actually left me avoidant of the word ‘justice’ which felt to me like some aspect of dualism.)

My journey started by a search for identity. Actually, I had confidence in knowing who I was (a fact that had provoked some jealous attacks from others less certain of their identity) yet I suspected something. I had often warned my peers, “Don’t completely trust anybody over forty because they cling too hard to the external expression of themselves that has brought about their survival and they have thoroughly lost touch with their internalized self natures.” Now here I was, approaching 40. It was time for me to avoid the same pitfall that I was jollying others about. I started with the enquiry “Who am I?” and introduced a new discrimination: from here onward I would try only the “good” ways of being and observe what happens. This notion came from the practical rather than the moral side of me. My path inward was by way of a cavernous entry and a middling narrow path. Well, the cavern seemed to grow darker and perhaps narrower and feeling my way along the walls, so to speak, I encountered blacked-out bifurcations which gave me decisions to make. Each time I went forward upon an intuitive choice and sometime later I would receive some sort of confirmation that I had made the appropriate choice. Each time I simply followed a feeling. Intellect had very little part to play in it. Actually, in my outer life I had continued to act as conscientiously as circumstance allowed. On my inner journey though I was no longer an actor in any social sense. I was de-socialising fast in a way that even a castaway on a deserted island could not hope for, save turning inward without any protection against fearful outside encroachment.

As a youth I had never considered myself strong, brave, resourceful, handsome or anything like that. I made myself laugh by events that should have embarassed me but that I found funny instead. Maybe I was not taking life seriously enough or perhaps I was just joyfully positive about everything. (Yes!)

As I entered my grown-up state my biggest social fault was that I thought I knew a lot about a great deal without having to work for it. (This inclination later proved to be unexpectedly fruitful, though not in any social way.) Yet I gathered much practical knowledge of the outside world through my early occupations and this resonated happily with me. Really, my education started after I left school.

Somehow, I was waiting also on a big and impressive step up to the world stage that I knew was coming whatever else might happen. I was certainly very creative but not self-punishingly so. Success had loomed invisibly yet almost tangibly on the path in front of me, in fact I feared peaking too young – and where to go after that? The reality was that, emotionally exhausted and slipping down into the mire of a very counter-progressive relationship with an only sometimes adult, my potential had fully actualized itself precisely nowhere. I loved my children but the Family Law Court back then was so pro-mothers that it was anti-fathers by default in that land where coldhearted, assumptive, systematic divorce law (imported as US style) ruled all. Yet when you have next to nothing left you virtually have nothing to lose. As one door closed another opened and my life was filled with new hope.

I speak to God constantly expecting no reply, none of the ‘divine clair audience’ that others claim. Yet I feel ‘understood’ more than I do with people who can hear me but will not listen. The nearest I can get to a two-way communication with God is not really a communication tool at all. It is an extensive complex of interconnected sayings, thousands of years in the making and riddled with historic misinterpretations, that requires extensive experience to get a grip on and is not always clear. Even so, it gets accused of oversimplification! Selections may be made physically at random and its statements will often resonate with real time events. Somehow it has seriously helped me since 1984 on my spiritual descent ‘without a parachute’, although I do not recommend dependency upon any artifact whatsoever. Pictures of the future may only be vaguely divined, I feel sure, and this is so by design with the Chinese I Ching. There are not any ‘yes or no’ answers available in the I Ching and  the accuracy of its interpretation requires a mix of experience, application and a sometime fortuity (rather like a World Cup goalkeeper intuitively selecting their dive to the right or to the left at a sudden-death play off). As with arithmetic, the answers must appear to be superficially random – when distilled through pure logic – in that it requires more information to resolve than is present in the system. (Limits of Mathematics,1998, by Gregory Chaitin) The question begged is where could that element of extraneous information be coming from whenever it inferentially evidences itself?

However, during 1983/84/85 the I Ching had ceased for a while to be of any great importance to me.

Sex. A weak spot for almost everybody. I have never been promiscuous, it does nothing for me, but I always had a healthy appetite for sharing my sexual interests with my regular partner. Freud’s assertion that children lose all sexuality between about aged 7 and just before the onset of puberty was not true in my case. The female body fascinated me ever. I was a natural target for eroticism. During 1983/4, however, I avoided sexual contact and dismissed the subject from my mind. In the way that males deprived of sexual partners as teenagers often spend a large part of their lives over-compensating for it, I guess after years of plentiful over-indulgence with my first partner I was enjoying the deprivations I missed out on as a teenager!

Anyway, I was content. Of course, human sexuality is not as easily smothered as that and I experienced dream fantasies. Getting to the next stage of total sexual blackout was not so easy.

I had frequently observed that females do not constantly demonstrate recognition that the person engaged in conversation with them is of the opposite sex – or they find it easier to hide as the hormonal sex impulse is not so consistently powerful with them, so I supposed. Each person is different, of course, but sexual differentiation was ever with me and yet I was curious to experience an absence of my sexual visual perceptivity. How would that alter my daily life?

The relationship between general moral advancement and specific meditative advancement became clear. The better a human being I became, the deeper my meditation went and the ‘easier’ it became to touch the zero’d mind-state. I had already realized the spiritual folly inherent to ardent rank-seeking and felt no spiritual ambitions other than a permanent wish to make some progress over this unmapped territory inside of me.

By incremental steps, my triad of meditative exploration + moral attainment + nul-sexuality were all advancing in harness with my inner self’s progress.

In outer life I had always been successful at selling (yet without any great capital gains to show for it as I experienced no desire whatsoever to persevere at monetary gainmaking).

Something every top seller knows is that to win the deal you must want it to happen – but not too much. Spiritual advance has that same fine-tuning.

Every top capitalist knows that a time of expansion must be followed by a period of consolidation. In its particular case, though, spiritual progress is attained simply by taking the opposite tack.

To linger in fascination on various captivating platforms is to win the local scene and lose the sublime mountain view. Move ever onward and upward. Now my journey was much like climbing the scaffolding outside a tall building. There is no reason to fascinate upon the platforms of magic, science, witchcraft and more when there is so much to be had in just rising higher and higher, directly from ladder to ladder hardly touching each floor, until the unimaginable view from the top unfolds. The Vietnamese have a saying, “Expect nothing and you will get something” which when attached to unrelieved inner progress amounts to a spiritual insight and contrasts strongly with their worldly methodologies of material gain.

I have no wish to shock you, nor even to explain myself. Some experience I feel disinclined to write about, especially the three impacts of compassion that hit me like high-voltage electricity must, I suspect, as each seemed to toss me across the room. Suffice it to say that I had no direct contact with the objects of my enforced compassions (a blazing underground tunnel containing workers in a signal box, a boy and girl child who were abducted by a stranger, and an aeroplane containing threatened hostages).

At that stage in my life I had developed a strong feeling that we all lived in our own world, so to say, and that our experiences sourced from inside us. Absolutely no bad person with bad attitude nor any unhealthy condition came into my world.

My small London apartment was my hermitage. My world was free of any feeling of trouble. I was, after a time, able to go about oblivious to the distinction between the sexes and by then recognized the whole population as simply older or younger children – some wearing sophisticated adult disguises that made me smile – and feeling an affection for everybody from the youngest to the oldest, from the most sparky to the least involved.

A solid feeling of personal power was offset exactly by a mental block or deep wish never to hold nor to exercise any power. I never wished to test these powers out, unchosen and painful compassions aside, and yet I was fully aware that I could powerfully do things that I had not been able to do before. I sought permission to let go of that burden as I lacked the wisdom of divinity to make such widespreading changes and so that unsought after ability subsided after 1984.

I realized that, unusually, much of my quietly dominant, even towering, teenage ego had come from habitually feeling in control (I did as I wished) and that actually needing to control life’s events had become another weakness that wanted rejecting by me.

This does not fade altogether, it seems, as controller-thoughts emerged most apparently years later in a new relationship with a love partner. (It’s a leonine sort of male sexual response, I suspect.)

Under the sheer pain of sudden compassion for strangers beyond my personal world I had taken my ‘willpower’ and used it – to escape my own distress. It was not a totally selfless act. I could say it felt as if I had no choice, although no guiding force accompanied it. In each instance the pain ceased and each outcome, as later revealed to me, was fully positive and joyous. That’s all I shall say.

There were many new incidents in my life at that time, including during extended meditations into zero’d mind, that I have kept all to myself.

That condition of zero thought, once achieved is blissfully unaware of any contemporaneity or punctuality.

Imposing a strict privacy allows this ‘meditation’ to reach a natural end as it will and saves frightening folk with what probably resembles the ultimate relaxation.

Before I even achieved these experiences I had experienced some  lesser ‘improbables’ in my life. Hallucination is a negatively loaded word. Every time we ask someone what they just said and they protest that they never spoke at all, that was an auditory hallucination. Every time we see a shadow move out of the corner of our eye, yet there is no explanation, that is a visual hallucination. They are common to everybody. The mind receives filtered information from the senses. Some responses are ‘wired-in’ to us and the ‘wires’ get crossed. When our hand jumps because the kettle feels hot, but it is not, that is a mistaken upload, perhaps from the brain to the mind, and is a further common hallucination.

While we disregard our own small shocks like that we will pounce on others discussing events that lack explanation as if proof of suspected madness! Perhaps we still sting from being the small child at the centre of some trickster’s jape and wish vengeful scorn on the world. Sir Thomas Browne, 1646, coined ‘hallucination’ from L. ‘alucinary’ or a wandering mind and thought it to be that kind of vision which was both in error and depraved. Science has extended that to schizophrenia, a true mental illness. Yet, as many who do have hallucinations are clinically sane, they will add that there are also hallucinatory physical sicknesses producing effects that seemingly have no cause. Shakespeare scored the point, “There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy (Master Physick)”.

Carl Jung noted that the Age of Reason drove out the apprehension of spirits existing inside all living things, especially trees and plants, so reducing Nature to a law-abiding subject under our exaction rather than us imperilled under its whimsical influence. Does a creeping fear that we may be wrong about this bring us to dismiss in haste anything remotely metaphysical, making us cling to any old ‘science-based’ mumbo-jumbo that is itching to take its place?

I once found myself gazing upon a body of starry lights. It was a black, limitless space and yet my sense of my surroundings felt no more than it would be in a small room. I could feel the scale of it clearly. I was looking slightly downward with little awareness of my body (normal when concentrating beyond a metre’s distance) other than my relative height. I ‘stood taller’ than it, as it seemed to me, but it was of greater volume than I. I knew at once that I was looking down on Universe (being my intuitive description that I know was accurate, though my ‘acquired knowledge’ or ‘education’ is now prompting me, after the event, that it may have been an imagined small galaxy in miniature rather than the universe in a diminished phase) and marvelled that it had ‘picture’ insofar as the starry lights defined the inner shape and the lack of them defined the outer shape. A still and black ‘background’ permeated everything I saw, there was no solid thing in view. Universe was looking three-dimensional and without special event. As to its meaning, it did not suggest one and I did not impose one. However, I remember perfectly the sight of a darkly interrupted luminosity of myriad starry lights dotted about.

About the dislocation of scale between me and it, well, at the time it did not feel important. It just seemed smaller than me as a surprising reality. But what if locality of Universe were itself illusory? What if a small space is set apart from the main body with an as yet unthought of dimensionality, for brief travel of a ‘communication’ hitherto held as distant travel? What if interactions of particles took place ‘over there’ separately from us, outside our 4-D diorama? Scientists have certainly claimed that our perception of the material world is too tangible to be true. (Comment added 2023)

I have had other awareness experiences or dreams of travelling during which Universe had no distinct appearance that I can recall but was definitely much bigger than me, which is the point, i.e. I am normally aware that I am in it like a fish is in water. (It was one of my realizations of early childhood that we live at the bottom of the air like fish live at the bottom of the sea so this is a natural enough notion for me, as probably for everybody.) Only recently, I studied again the ideas on the ‘topology’ of the Universe. A flat plate, a spherical surface and a saddle-shaped plane. Although I find the notion of a surface of the Universe mindfully laughable, it struck me immediately that these shapes could be used to assemble a rounded approximation to the Sombrero galaxy turned Saturn-shaped (a central disc around a ball with various half-saddle shapes fully providing sloped curvature wherever the two intersect) and that what I had viewed could be expanded to that Saturn-shaped black emptiness containing tiny starry lights.

I have zero experience of ‘astral travel‘ (other than via the Hubble telescope) yet this imposed construct likely crosses with the common plumped image of a flying saucer. (I have zero experience of anything UFO-like, other than newspaper drawings and touch-ups.)

At no time around 1984 did I lose touch with my ability to recognize ‘imagination-looming-large’ although I should add that, from the start, I determined to avoid all deliberate acts of imagining whatsoever, arising from a kind of suspicion I had that imagined things could become real over time and I wanted my mind like a clean laboratory for this life-experiment. I was circumspect even about real experiences during my mind-at-zero meditations, for example considering that a ‘tunnel’ of forward movement (a feelingful sight) could not be anything other than neurological.

One thing I did think possibly significant was when I rested my vision on that orangey light effect apparent behind closed eyelids during daytime and suddenly a rectangle (single, normal, distant) behaved like a door opening and flashed a narrow-beamed, dazzling, oblong light at me as if it were a revolving tailor’s mirror. Of course, this is the stuff of neuro-speculation but I saw it as my own inner light reflecting back at me. Which is to say that I could readily have believed in a godhead that shone from the human heart and up periscopically through the mind, seated in the brain, then out from the eyes. Yes, shone out not in. This image cannot be claimed to be even partly true – on the grounds that all matters of this depth with no known field of reference may not be claimed as a 100% accurate recall (yet they could be). Am I using it to explain a real thing that I cannot explain otherwise, even to myself? Actually I require no explanation to understand what I saw and immediately knew to be.

The following is from a further chapter in my book and fits to the sequence therein but is, like many of these excerpts, a non-sequitur here: 

To come to the point, I met God. The old formula I remember as covering virtually all of life is ‘Idea + Energy = Action’. This is not what happened to me. I had no idea, I used no energy, I made/took/employed/experienced no action whatsoever. Free of any externally-sourced chemical influence, I arrived home one evening at my rented hermitage near Kensington Gardens; a dark basement mini-flat looking dingy and tastelessly furnished yet within an extra beautiful building externally attended by very cosmopolitan and lively passers-by. (Smiling cartoonist Bill Moody, who I’d never met, once shouted national gossip/inside information about Princess Diana at me as he passed my steps one morning, although I’ve no idea why.)

After a time of relaxing alone, just doing necessary things as they happened to crop up, I settled down to go deep inside my Self. I may have meditated to zero mind that evening, I usually did, but I do not remember exactly what I was doing at about ten to eight when I guess my experience began. Perhaps I was just out of meditating, I really can’t say because there was no prior thing that was at all singular about this particular evening. I remember only falling downward as if passing into unconsciousness. I must have been standing next to a bed as I woke sometime later in a position as if I had fallen across it. Like a road accident that one cannot remember at the point of impact, I do not know exactly what happened to me.

All sense of time was absent during the actual experience which was dimensionally novel.  On waking, I felt as I would as if I had slept for two or more hours. It was about eight-twenty when it occurred to me to check my watch, so I guess I woke about eight-fifteen. Before collapsing into a deep sleep I had no intention of sleeping. I was fully alert and not at all tired. (My working life, my brokerage business, had become mostly effortless thanks partly to an able assistant and I had long before discarded fixed working hours.) During the experience I recall two distinct and contrasting stages. At first I descended into the burr of a tree built as a little furnished house, light but without windows. This fitted exactly to old childhood storybooks. I suspect strongly that when faced with an entirely unknowable set of experiential parameters, the brain/mind will serve up the nearest match it can, however strange, to fill that moment. I do not feel that this part of the experience can have happened in any sense other than a mental imposition over a reality I was not equipped to register.

And yet from beginning to end the whole overall experience gave me the greatest realization and appreciation of Reality that I have known.

It was not that it was more vivid than normal experience, as some dreams are, yet it was extraordinarily REAL most especially in the major part of my account, subsequent to this childish beginning. I went forward and down a level and went from a large corridor to another vestibule or short wooden tunnel that I was interested to look at because of the smooth woody appearance of it.

I seem to recall some succession of these before a great change; the circular woody walls no longer existed and I was in an invisible incorporeal whole yet which I sensed had boundaries but could not say how far or where they were. In fact, I experienced both the appreciation of vast size and the total lack of visible dimension, or way, or feature (no ceiling and no floor) simultaneously upon which I may have superimposed a rather whale-like shape as its supposed external limits. Again, I guess this to be a procedure of brain/mind in the absence of any visible dimensional parameters. I have manouevered in total darkness in open country for hours and that actually felt more limitless than this. Indeed I felt considerably more disoriented in that total (cannot see your own hand) night of darkness. So I think that my sensate perceptions may’ve been unreliable, though I cannot say for sure. The memory of it, though, is clear and unaltered once I cease all questioning of it.

I then travelled through this ‘body’ and certainly felt sure of its enormity yet saw no features nor any perspective. I was and was not ‘floating’. I was walking, in principle, yet this was against an all-encompassing pinkness that had no directionality, no conclusions, nothing concrete, yet I felt the right way up and fully mobile. There was no resistance in any direction yet this was not the sensation of flying (floating and flying were feelings I was acquainted with and would have recognized). I seemed to be very real in a very real place, perhaps a dark pale pink in motionless coloration – but, again, this could have been brain/mind piecing together a hitherto-unknown set of perceptions. In fact, as I read this back to myself it reads a little like perceptions of birth, possibly occurring out of order.

However, I always imagine babes in the womb to be aware of noise (none present) and changing external light (also none). This was a place to see, not darkness, yet without dimensions yet still, deep and extensive. Nothing moved relative to me. There was a ‘solid pink’ sort of colour yet no substance.  I did not feel still yet in motion, as one would do sitting on an aeroplane. I did feel normally aware and also that I was being somehow shown all over It and granted access.  If I rationalize this now I would say it was an experience of qualities not quantities but I did not think of that at the time. I just ‘followed’ on some invisible ‘route’ like on an unguided mystery tour yet with no differentiations of ‘place’. It was uniformly without any appraisable form. Should there have been edges or limits, I never came close to them. If I rationalize this I would say it was ‘perfect’ simply for its lack of ‘imperfection’ but I did not think of that at the time either. Now I come around to the point. During my ‘travel’ I knew this to be an exchange. The ‘occupying owner’ of this ‘body’ or ‘living space’ or ‘perfection’ was travelling my unboundary’d  person as I was travelling It’s unboundary’d person. I could say ‘explore’ or ‘examine’ instead of ‘travel’ but these are loaded terms. I could say ‘personality’ or ‘character’ but these are loaded terms as well. The truth is that words fail me. I clearly remember the thought “How do I later describe what I feel and know clearly to be happening to me right now?” I came up immediately with the word ‘union’ (as of wedded personalities) but then dismissed it, as I did every alternative take that I could call on, as there are NO WORDS to describe this ‘happening’.  I felt some sense of my ‘inner self’ being ‘explored’ in great depth. This sense came from being conjoined (another wrong word, but the best I have to hand) and so from this I got a feel for my own ‘person’ which seemed as unlimited or possibly as extensive as It’s own.

Of course, I must now scale mine down as much lesser out of grateful love and humility. I had already felt extremely close to God before all this and always knew too well how unintelligent and insignificant I am in scale terms. ‘God’ (an unfortunately convenient catch-all word for me and you to use as a misgiuded proxy personification) is equal to everything possible (and everything is possible with God, they say, the truth of which I feel sure) and so has no equal.

A further non-sequitur:

Psychology has a similar paradoxical limit to truthtelling. Since 1984 I have experienced some strange effects whilst feeling very tense. (As all lovers do on occasion, I have unnecessarily plunged into worry sometimes and most people would have done so given the anxious circumstances. I want to feel the same as most people – don’t you? – and yet with a fallback position since ‘1984’ that I know of no strict necessity for me to worry at all, thank you Spirit. This route is open to everybody who goes within, I feel.)

Either some degrees of stress will open channels for new and insightful experiences or they simply create illusions: which is it to be?

If I tell you that, to my surprise, unbidden and unsuspected images of things I should not have known and that I disliked these very much once  filled my sight, subsequent to ‘1984’,  would you believe me? Well, there were eight. One person appeared in all of them and corroborated seven as being true. About the one incorrect image, who knows? If I say that since 1984 I have several times found myself in somebody else’s head, unexpectedly, what questions will you ask? No, I had not been drinking and I do not use drugs. I can tell you that it equates to landing in a mental ‘carbon copy’ of this world but with different frames of reference only partially understandable to the unintentional interloper.

I once found myself inside the head of an accountant I knew who was helpfully passing a garden hose through a window to another person I knew and who was trying to gauge what profit or loss might come from it. It was a new way to think about merely passing-in a garden hose, to my way of thinking, and appeared to involve that person’s entire mind being deeply schizm’d, left and right, between profit and loss categories.

Another remote experience, involving persons I knew, found me suddenly under a sheet during extra-marital cunnilingus but concentrating narcissistically upon how well I had trimmed my beard that day. I say ‘me’ and ‘my’ because that is a strange aspect of this ‘observer-participator’ experience. The ‘me in reality’ was actually distanced in time and space from this event. It was not currently happening and I did not have a beard neither have I that beard-trimmer’s personality nor would I be thinking about personal vanity, I feel quite sure.

What if someone non-psychotic experiences a vision? Dare I tell you how I was once trailed overhead as I walked without a care over open ground, by a kind of cavalry formation comprising a bloc of fine brown horses, hundred wide and deep, and their exotic-looking, disparately dressed yet disciplined riders – and that I did not notice them at first because they were behind me – and that I knew they were not there yet neither were they imaginary (they hadn’t been going in and out of vision although I knew they were actually not there to be seen – at least not by our human eyes – yet there they were and I still recall them as I saw them) and that they were level as if on flat ground but up much higher than me on an elevated invisible surface, like “my glass ceiling: their glass floor” but minus the glass. Whenever I stopped they reined their horses in to a halt and when I resumed my stroll they loyally started following again – and commanders stationed about their formation seemed instructing them on this – well, I guess you can tell that I was, well, what? Actually I was just walking home with no other person in view under an open blue sky at about 5 p.m., having finished my work, and thinking about a melody for a song I was mentally composing so as to help pass the time and that had no connection with this vision that I knew was not there and was/was not imposing itself over an open English view (the North Downs of Southern England) for several minutes. I have no explanation to give you. A mysterious and maybe meaningless experience involving knowing something ‘there’ to be ‘real’ AND knowing the same thing to be ‘unreal’ and ‘not there’ AT THE SAME TIME. Have you ever had such an experience?

Another non-sequitur:

What to make of human sexuality?

I will write particularly on this in the future as I have views on the subject. (I studied sex semi-formally to extend my capacity at ‘psychotherapy’. It’s not pretty stuff. Stay away from the genuine records/literature unless you want them to put you right off the subject.)

Meantime I shall expand on lust and ‘1984’.

I have said that in my early years the female body fascinated me sexually and yet at that time there was no open picturing of it like today and I had no real sense of what a naked female was like. Although I was twice approached by adult young women as a child I did not understand and luckily got away unscarred. If anything my precocious sexuality had presented me with a problem to deal with and I successfully dealt with it by becoming very much in control of my sexuality out of necessity and I am to this day able to say no to unwanted offers. (Which makes some women privately and publicly vengeful, by the way.) Even so I was a natural target for erotic fantasy. It turned out that my first girlfriend had also had immature fantasies in her younger years and we were so close that we spoke freely to each other about them and enjoyed sharing those remembered arousals.

My next long-term girlfriend had a fear of certain sexual matters emanating from an incestuous pedophile attack during which she mistakenly thought she was being murdered. As often happens, this created in her a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (of the overtly theatrical variety). Foolishly I felt sorry for her and so was seen by her as prey.

We eventually divorced, after she threw boiling water at me and I sussed that she would try fire next. I suppose that I always knew parting was inevitable and in the late evenings would sit alone sometimes, so saddened that my children and I would have to end our daily family life.

And yet it was the best thing that could have happened to me. I knew that love ‘on the rebound’ was brief and misplaced and during 1983/4/5  I avoided all sexual contact and dismissed the subject from my mind.

A clever person surmised my summit experience of 1984 as an Out of Body Experience but it was not. I was in my body but out of any normal worldly set of dimensions. As for Near Death Experiences I know only my mother’s actual death that left her staring up at 45 degrees and, to my surprise, smiling the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. I guess that was a near-death smile but, really, it is our unclear knowledge of the process of dying – which does not seem to be a split-second cut-off by one whole mind-body-spirit continuum – that creates a nonsense like ‘dead but alive again’. A virus can certainly resurrect: a person cannot. That person who lives on never fully died.

I was certainly no where ‘near death’ when I encountered God in 1984. (There was no tunnel, no light, no buzzing or ringing, no from the feet up dearth of nerve information creating exceptional brain imagery, no archetype of good or bad come to greet me.) I had already felt very close to my God, in awe yet totally trusting that my life was being cared over by Him.

I did have some slighter sort of experience 3 years earlier. I would drive into the City of London during morning rush-hour and often return to Surrey in the evening rush. Each journey took 1 hour 10 minutes. After adopting my double negative, “Thanks God the terrible thing I think can’t happen” my journey time reduced considerably (by almost half an hour faster, often an incredible 40 minutes driving time only). I drive according to the old police method of driving which is strictly to decelerate at every approach to any possibility of a sudden change in safety conditions, even empty side turnings. This entails advance negative thought. I now routinely cancelled these thoughts with my counter-negative thinking. This was not the main reason I was travelling faster. What had changed everything was that traffic patterns ahead of me were working in my favour almost every time; if I joined a waiting line then it was the first line to move ahead, and so on. I no longer had to think about which line to choose nor got routinely ‘beached up’ on a lane without any forward flow. As I approached the south side of multi-laned Vauxhall Bridge one early evening, I employed my phrase and somehow flew up to the head of the multiple queues waiting for the traffic lights to change to green. Whilst I mused idly on my strangely effective expression a thought came forward in my mind. Previously, I had assumed that “the terrible thing I think can’t happen” was the source with “Thanks God” as a routine add-on, of no importance. As mind-brain often does, I flipped this for consideration. Immediately a warm light identical to low evening sunlight appeared to my right, outside the car, and beamed in on me. I was slightly dazzled but happy; it’s nice when that happens to you, that horizontal light at sunset, isn’t it? A warmth traveled my body and gave me a feeling I had once felt but forgotten and had never before re-experienced. It was the same feeling as I had for, and had come from, my father as a small child when he picked me up and carried me across his shoulders. (He called it a ‘flying angel” although he was not a bit religious.) I had forgotten the experiencing of it for decades. I assumed, momentarily that this was imagination provoked by some memory and yet the feelings and perceptions from outside and inside me were joining up. As I drove on it stayed with me, now interiorized, and I guessed that this feeling somehow was linking me with God.

Well, around then I felt God was somehow with me for several months, rightly or wrongly, then suddenly I felt that I was sailing solo again. It was a deep sadness to me and I hoped for a resumption but nothing came until the months approaching ‘1984’ – a different kind of experience entirely, almost detailed, that accompanied a period of deep self-cleansing. Did ‘1984’ change my life? Certainly. I lost my feeling that some untold success was coming toward me. I felt that no good or bad luck was of any consequence to my identity. I reached the small, hard core of me that was there at the beginning of my life but had become covered over. I pleasantly lost the natural will to live as much as I lost all fear of death. I felt confident of international travel without finances and simply opened local channels for the requisite paperstuff to come to me in accordance with the worldly law of causality – whilst no longer holding any belief in it. After discarding a silk-suit wardrobe I then purchased a cut-price jacket with an unreadable Latin inscription on the buttons. It was difficult to decide where the phrase began or ended. Then it became clear. “A happy king does not know his own kingdom.” In effect “The comfortable approach is almost always a mistake” or by partial extension “Nothing worth having is easy at the beginning” or when ultimately extended “The work of improvement never finishes”. I agree. Know yourself first. Then know your world.

Staring into space one day a message curved round before the corner of my eye and trailed off the other side of my vision as if on a moving prompt screen. It read “TE GE PARAGUOS” or something neat like that. It was so utterly unexpected that I did not catch the ending of the last word clearly. It is still a unique event in my life. Not imagination, I would guess, yet why such a mild and obscure hallucination? I could sense no spiritual, emotional or physical component to it. A trick of the mind? I went on enquiry. Two local scholars kindly sent me what they thought it could translate as. One agreed the last word to be “paraqua” which suggested “Go overseas” and seemed logical to me (though I knew nothing of whatever language this might be and thought it to be something about the place Paraguay). The other reached back into a language of greater antiquity and surprisingly came up with “If you will not lead, then at least stand beside” which was then deeply meaningful to me. (The phenomenon of Reading & Writing in unlearned languages is now thought to be one of the extraordinary genetically-buried facilities of the human brain quite like some that autism has pointed up. And any child under 5 can pick-up any language easily without necessity of grammar.)

Step by step I journeyed further from home, weeks then months away in East Europe and East Asia. Eventually I left England altogether without a xu to my name – and since have survived tolerably enough (sometimes even blissfully) in the assumption-challenging and customarily strict country of Vietnam. During the prolonged period I choose to call ‘1984’ I was developing strictly incognito yet once felt instantly recognized by a stranger who I thought in turn might be treading ‘the same part of the path’. Today I am superficially less altruistic than before and momentarily considered plotting the finance for my old age (I’m virtually penniless and almost there, theoretically, though I know it is my fate to outlive this time and do still feel 18 in my heart) and yet I don’t really care one mote about it when pressed. I know my God will be with me always. Only once did I feel less than very lucky. I lost bones following a motorbike collision with a Vietnamese truck. I uttered aloud “Toi bi chet roi” (I’m dead) as we met head-on, yet felt perfectly calm. I did not die, obviously, but I know I should have done according to the physics of it all. I was partly crushed. After nearly bleeding to death and then contracting rapid bone disease (yes, rapid) and the ‘hospital disease’ by courtesy of three hospital systems on two continents, I have an arm containing a surgical steel rod.  For a while I conjured with my mortality and my advancing age but now I ride my Honda with my girlfriend and play guitars and sing, just as I ever did before – and often feel ridiculously, foolishly youthful again.

I tell the following story having sincerely prefaced it to be untrue; an only part-original invention that explains something I feel assured about but can find no real words to describe. I must succumb to ‘faction’.

God rented the Earth to the King of the World. Knowing his reign to be a travesty, God called him to account. The King was actually being deposed by God so he played his trump card. “God, if I am so bad then how about them? They have no excuse for each of them has you, God, available on the inside supplying truthful ideas, lighting the best possible way forward for each of them. Even giving the scientists their intuitive insights as to what experimental path to take and for which they then pretend to have found more winning justifications in order to find the Earthly funding for their indulgences of time and resources. And many of the best already know what the results will be, generally, without the experiments even having started. Because your light is shining through their minds. Even their revolving thoughts, individually and as a group, were from you at the beginning. I am without their great advantages. Of all entities I am at the lowest post in personal power as I occupy the pole furthest from you. If I have done well to acquire some small know-how and can whisper to one or two of them so as to get them to commit a favor for me, their landlord, then who is to blame? I for having no Godhead or they for failing to to remember who they are? Gods!”

Saddened, God then allowed the King of Cause and Effect a trial of all the human race, to sift them individually.

You see, this Cause and Effect or this Past and Present, this Earthly existence, is our learning and testing ground. Our trial. Regrettably, God does not seem to wish to breach the barriers of Rex Mundi in any public manner. Yet if you will resolve miracles to happen in the right way then they shall. Here is the most dangerous thing any person can announce. Jesus of Nazareth announced it. His death followed in a way that is extraordinarily difficult to explain, even with words of wisdom over fickle fame and human nature or supposed predestination. The King of the World was against Him for pointing-up that causality may be overcome, that lack of all doubt will move mountains or walk on the waters. People then took Him, ridiculed Him and destroyed Him in surprising stages. He was a healthy, free young man without family responsibilities, unbowed by clergy or police, a man who did neither spin nor toil and yet survived and prospered, retreating sometimes to avoid social pressure, uncritical of any soul – even of Judas the accountant (who was likely accused by other Apostles of theft from the two-pocketed leather apron that he wore balanced around his neck). A scourging was a Roman punishment issued in place of – but only sometimes together with – crucifixion and this had left Jesus half dead. Too late He had been told of the coming crucifixion, upon a tree like Odin. He had submitted to His scourging and His great strength had already shattered from repeated sudden pain. He could not bear this cross without preparation. His vital mind and His pure heart had broken, His spirit was ready and willing to withdraw to a better destination.

We perceive causality in the temporal because the King of Lies demands this Golden Rule, extra apparent even to our dimmed vision. That much continues to this day.

Well, I did warn you that this would be as invented as any story can be. Behind this story lies a truth to aid in assimilating your daily intuitions of fleeting virtuality & reality, so help me God.

Now let me tell you a tale of a truly vivid dream I had in 1985 (later writ down by me,  carefully):

The scene opens in an underground arena, like having mini-Colosseum steps leading down to the main hall of a metro station. There were not too many people for its size. I had entered and was descending those steps. In the centre of the arena were a group of fifty to a hundred people, standing and watching something for pleasure. I saw their back and side views only. We were all dressed in white Roman clothing and thonged sandals. The whole structure was bright white with gold trimmings. I observed that the group were watching an entertainment on their far side that I could not see. They were happily diverted. It registered at once that their backs were undefended. A feeling of foreboding arose inside me, especially for their security. A strong apprehension came over me that they were to be deliberately yet unexpectedly slaughtered from behind whilst their attention was being thoroughly distracted.

Not all were fooled. A steady stream of escapees were already making an orderly and silent exit by heading like ants in a line to an arched entrance leading further into this structure yet promising somehow to lead out of it. I joined this moving queue, feeling sure that similar fears to mine were prompting this exodus and that these were all well-founded. As we passed through an arch into a tunneled walkway they each took the turn to the right to find their way out. I could see no reason for this other than that they were following each other. In fact, it was just as possible to turn to the left. Both arcs of the tunnel were clean, bright white, well-illuminated and with some gold trim. Identical. The brief quandary I was in was this: normally it is correct to follow the standard path but here there was no way to be sure that their choice would lead to security or freedom. Did the ones already gone ahead know best? Why hadn’t they come back to tell us? If all or most other people agree on a thing and stake their lives on it, does that alone warrant the truth of it? I immediately turned to the left to take my chances on my own. After all we were born alone and will probably die alone, so why not go it alone? Anyway, I sensed that they had each made the self-same mistake as a result of their moving as a group.

The tunnel was curved and very long indeed. It was made entirely of shining clean white marble. All along the right-hand wall there were solid gold ring-posts, thick around and firmly set like cored golden apples. They held thick spears of solid gold, horizontally, so forming a head-to-tail handrail of spears. After a time of fairly fast walking, occasionally brushing against this rail, I turned the bend sufficiently as to be aware of a figure in the far distance. I took the figure to be marking the final exit. I kept walking at the same reasonably brisk pace. As my vision grew clearer I could see a formidable spectacle. This was a warrior in full Roman armour, secured by a stout saddle upon a strong white horse of great stature and with the beast almost fully armoured. I registered the frissance of the rider upon seeing an approaching soul. He nudged his horse up to a canter as they then diminished the distance between us.

I prised a gold spear from out its ring-post but to my dismay it was sharply bent about two-thirds along its length. I discarded it. The rider arrived. He stayed the fiery horse and took a look at me. I will not forget that face. The disengaged stare of a soldier about his deadly duty. A big, striking man with a pale yet strong stentorian face and unblinking blue eyes. A blue so cold it could chill the heart. In his hand was not a regular sword but an oversized saw-edged and wooden-handled weapon; each sharp tooth suggesting its dangerous r-i-p. He suddenly provoked his warhorse into rearing and, turning, raced away back to his spot in the distance. There they wheeled and came on back at me in full gallop.

They were approaching fast and loud. I walked forward, more slowly than before but determined to go to meet them, when in a moment I saw a sword and shield lying on the marble floor. About the sword; it was short and wide-bladed, fashioned from solid gold. About the shield; it was extraordinary in that it was worked beautifully from gold rope into a lattice and the outer face was held at about thirty five degrees to a frame meant for fitting on my forearm. I slipped it on and felt fortified yet wondering at its curious shape and beauty. This feeling was short-lived as I could now see only inevitable destruction bearing down upon me. I watched the massive steed as if I was entranced in the thrall of a runaway train. My mind tried calmly to solve the insoluble. Suddenly, I became deeply detached as I realized that the armoured horse was unprotected in one spot only – just below the knees; a vulnerable spindly shank that suggested some error of equestrian development to me. Judging my moment, swerving aside and descending to place my knee on the ground I offered the short sword up to the foreleg of the beast; holding my blade firmly parallel to the marble floor at the precise height I had targeted to interpose between the upper and lower leg plates. The motion was executed totally in cold blood, absenting all fear or joy like a fluid yet calculating and accurate cutting machine.

The disabled beast slid its hooves along the marble floor then came down in an almighty crash. The heavily-built rider flew off into the air, sounding to come down further along the tunnel. I rose and momentarily considered that there might be yet more danger from behind – I remembered the cold-eyed killer and the saw-edged blade – and then walked on without a backward glance. Quite uncharacteristically I left my back unprotected without any further check. I knew that I had won and no more would come of it. Worry was unnecessary. Somehow I had just won my freedom and nothing would or could harm me now.

The following is of no consequence to the deepest meaning of the above dream, if you saw it there, but definitely happened as I describe. A week or so after awaking from this deeply vivid dream, I had reason to visit on business a newly-retired industrialist’s home. His life now revolved around his hobby of buying and selling domestic objects, though of great value. His apartment was, as usual, cluttered with handmade screens, cabinets, boxes, clocks, tables, chairs and statues temporarily housed in any space available. “Come and look at this!” he enthused over the mess. “It’s a solid gold chess set. It cost only (actually, the same as my last house had cost me before I let it go …………) and is a great bargain.” Well, it looked like a white and gold cube, a precisely decorated metal birthday cake. On top, each playing side had the pieces fashioned after Roman soldiers. One set of golden pawns carried short swords and shields. The opposing eight pawns carried upright spears passed through extended fists, thick around and firmly set like cored golden apples. A gilded rim protruded around the deep base. On each bottom corner of that was a further golden Roman sentinel holding a golden spear. A couple of spears had gone missing from their playing pieces, I noticed. My acquaintance’s apartment was so littered with auction room spoils that he had earlier collided with one corner and slightly damaged that corner’s guardian. The removable gold spear had bent sharply, at about two-thirds along its length.

Post-1984 I have tried on-off to re-assimilate into everyday living. I have had a batch more of vivid dreams and sights but will not yet make them public.

In my heart, I do not want to control this world. I want only that you go within and find where you should be along your way. I bare my life to you so that you know if it is possible for me then it obviously is for you and perhaps even easier on your personal path than on mine.

We are all unique entities with some common components.

Unfortunately my skill at recognising and deeply understanding Narcissistic Personality Core Replacement (a disorder that grasps greater worldly gain than ‘normality’) has come from mistaken bonding to several such long-term deceivers, charmers who are “doing very well, thank you” yet without soul.

Doomers such as these are lying, cheating and manipulating by bribery, blackmail and threats in order to trick their way to global domination. This is those devils’ Last Stand.

The Truth Will Out. The Truth Never Dies. The Truth is Invincible.

NigelRaymondOfford 3/3/23

 

~ by nigelraymondofford on March 5, 2023.